I found some spoons (AKA I found leftover heavy duty doses of pain meds), and decided to finally take a shower. I feel so good.
I’ve been so bad off with flares and having caught every contagious illness this side of the Chesapeake. I’ve been fighting a double ear infection since July, and for two months have fought sinus infection, the flu, and bronchitis since late September, I just got over pneumonia. Dealing with what FINALLY feels like the tail end of the flu, the ear infection, sinuses, and bronchitis still. I’ll be horrifically ill again soon enough. How my daughter escapes without so much as a slight sniffle, I’ll never understand. Lucky children and their badass immune systems right?
I also found the guts to take a photo without my wig on and share it- a big middle mf’in finger to my anxiety, depression, medication and mental illness induced psychological misery in general. Fuck all of that right now.
I’m really at odds with my appearance because of all my medical problems causing such dramatic changes. My coloring is awful in addition to it being the time of year when my uber-white side comes out.
Plus I miss my (boss as all hell) hair and can’t wait until it comes back- I haven’t had my completely natural hair since my teachers called it a “distraction” to the other kids who bullied me mercilessly for “looking like a stupid fucking (insert racial slurs here)” in a mostly white and severely racist as fuck school. My Italian, Brazilian, and northern African roots come out with my hair and when I spend more than 30 seconds in the sun. I am a near carbon copy of my lovely grandmother, who was totally gorgeous.
But it took all these years to be at peace with my hair and overall appearance, and when I finally stopped doing the relaxers, boom! Medical problems and treatments took it all away. I can’t wait to have it back, because I’mma rock that shit like I always wished I had the confidence to as a child/teenager, and I will give negative fucks to anyone with a problem.
This is me, as I am. Well mostly. Those are very convincing fake eyelashes, my eyebrows are drawn in with pencil and watered down mascara, but this is as close to current-me as it gets. The lighting and quality are a bit poor, but I’m having a hot flash and needed to sit outside and I wanted to do this before I lost the sudden and always temporary self confidence.
Even though I want to, and feel it creeping up in the back of my mind: I will not bully myself the way all the kids did until I finally got out of elementary/middle/high school: I feel fucking fabulous today and nobody and nothing can take that from me right now.
I hope all my fellow chronically ill people can feel the same way I do this evening even if, like me, this uncharacteristic confidence disappears two minutes later.