Dave Chappelle (via foxynonsense)
This is the Dave Chapelle white people don’t quote.
The choice is yours.
This is a shit ton of bullshit and shaming. People are born with health problems and perfectly healthy people develop health problems. There isn’t always a choice.
are your eyes red, itchy, and inflamed? don’t reach for those eyedrops, just grab a fucking red pepper and shove that into your eyes instead, just fucking jam all the vegetables you can into your eyes you fucking animal just do it
Inject V8 directly into your veins you miserable bag of trash. Get a giant syringe full of vegetable juice and stab right through your fucking arm in a wild attempt to cure your heart condition.
Wow, and here I could have saved all the time and discomfort of fucking brain surgery by eating a leek or something. WHO KNEW?!
Commentary. On. Point.
hey, this is the government
we saw that post you made on tumblr dot com and we think that’s really cool that you want to be independent and stuff
we’re here to take away your access to public roads and we’re pulling your kids out of school. we’re taking away your high school diploma and any degrees you got at a public univeristy.
you can’t use the post office anymore, the only reason that’s as cheap as it is is that you share the service with other US citizens.
we’ll no longer be monitoring the safety of your water, as independent as you are, i bet you can identify whether your water has 44 ppm of nitrate in it by yourself.
your employer can start making you work on the weekends and for longer hours. we’ve notified them that you no longer need the government to protect you and they are really excited to get those extra hours of work out of you.
if someone breaks into your house or your house catches on fire, you should be able to handle that yourself. you don’t need government to save you.
we’re also taking back the tax credits we’ve given you over the years for childcare, homeowning, getting an education, buying a yacht, starting a business, etc. we know you’re so independent you don’t even want that support!
we’ve let all the state, national, and local parks know who you are so they won’t let you in.
so again, this is the government, thanking you for taking the initiative! you’re very brave.
You have no clue what government handouts are apparently.
nah i know exactly what “government handouts” are - they’re conveniently all the government services you don’t partake of.
In case anyone cared that I’ve basically disappeared, this is what happened to me.
11 days. 81 hours.
SNAILS EAT WORMS
why yes they do
and it’s fucking terrifying
I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that.
I had a snail phase at one point